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20 March 2005

 

Suspicions Confirmed: Cheney is slipping acid into Bush’s drinking water
For some time now, high administration sources have been telling me that Dick Cheney has been lacing Bush’s drinking water with LSD-25. To be honest, I didn’t believe them because 1) they are administration officials and 2) they’re high. But recently, concrete proof has come to hand. So it now appears that they’ve been telling the truth. Here is the way I heard it.

Little George seems to start off his day acting normally, well, normal for a goofy frat boy, but somewhat normal nonetheless. Then, about four hours after Cheney has been alone with him, Bush begins babbling like an acidhead on his way down from a rough trip. But until recently, he’s always been able to pull himself together enough to get off the podium without saying something that was truly 100% moronic. Then I received the following in an email. I checked it for accuracy in my own mysterious way, and came to the only conclusion possible, George W. Bush has been doing a lot of acid lately. Here’s the email item I received:

The President Clears It All Up

The President explains the virtues of his Social Security plan, Tampa,
FL, Feb. 4, 2005

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: I don't really understand. How is it the new Social Security] plan is going to fix that problem?

Verbatim response:

President Bush: Because the -- all which is on the table begins to
address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for
example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage
increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula
that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different
cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the
idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer
delivered to that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you?
It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the --
like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages,
as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate
-- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage
increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were
put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the
promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will
help on the red.

Yep, that’s what Mr. (he’s not my president) Bush said alright. Comic genius like that could only come from a Saturday Night Live skit or Bush on acid. I’ve now watched all the episodes of SNL since the Social Security issue came up, and they didn’t do a single skit with that language in it.

Now, of course, the question is why would Dick Cheney want to lace W’s water with LSD? I had a hunch, and so I conducted a little experiment to check it out. First of all, I did a machine translation of Bush’s gibberish into Croatian. (Unfortunately, it would take too much space to explain why I chose the Croatian language. You may rest assured, however, that my reasons were based on sound science.) (In the interest of full disclosure here, I should also add that people who should know these things tell me that machine translations really suck and will never be able to match up to a first rate human translator. So there is obviously a large margin of error possible here … but I don’t think so myself.)

Anyway, once I had the machine translation in hand, I read it aloud. I did my best to pronounce a language I find almost impossible to speak, and made an MP3 recording of it. Now here is where it gets really interesting. I then opened that file in a word processor and used Dick Cheney’s public PGP key to decrypt it. The results are astounding. While we only have this one fragment of pure gibberish to work from so far, it appears that Cheney is sending coded messages, through W’s babblings, to the extra terrestrials who are feeding Cheney their plans for the Star Wars Defense System he’s promoting. At last we can now begin to understand why we would ever need such a system in the first place. Apparently, the design we are using to build it is one that will prevent a rival gang of ETs (the good ones, wouldn’t you know) from coming to save us.

You’ve got to give em credit, this communications code they’ve been using, right in front of our eyes, is a work of genius, evil genius of course, but genius nonetheless. These guys are smart . . . and we’d better not forget that fact.

posted by Lorenzo 1:53 PM